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"I will Carry You
All my Life,
And I will praise the One Who’s chosen me
To Carry You"
Carrying our "Suprise to Term
June 25th, 2008-POSITIVE PREGNANCY TEST!
The thoughts of being parents for the first time flooded through our minds. The joy, the exitement, and oh so much love, but all of the endless possibiliteis. Financially, mentally, and physically were we ready for this? After a couple days of debating, we came to terms and could not have been more exited. Little did we know all of the preperation we were doing was nothing along the lines of what we needed to prepare for.
The begining of my pregnancy was easy as can be. The first couple weeks went perfect. At about 10 weeks I started to get morning sicknees, that seemed to last every day, all day long. I didnt care though it was amazing. I loved being pregnant. The thought of a little "bug" growing inside of me was nothing but amazing! Our first OB appointments went perfect. We first heard our Bug's heartbeat right around 12 weeks and it was a perfect tone.
On October 9, 2008 we went in for our first ultrasound, the "Big: ultasound as many like to call it. We discussed gender on the way there, debating wether daddy was going to get a little boy or not. I had an unusual feeling on the drive to our appointment. Many emotions mixed together, but something just felt funny. I figured it was just because I still didn't actually "feel" pregnant being that I didnt have a big belly to show for. Anyways, again the emotions we were both experiencing were nothing that were going to prepare us for the upcoming news. Once the ultrasound was started I could tell something wasn't right. This was the first u/s I had seen in person, so not knowing much I suspected nothing bad. The u/s tech took many measurements and paid special attention to the vital organs. She was unable to tell us the gender of our bug becuase the u/s was too fuzzy. Afterwards we were given special instructions to phone our doctor and scedule an appointment ASAP.
The next day was the day that I will never forget. On October 10, 2008, we were told that our baby had multiple cysts on its kidneys, and that I had no amniotic fluid. We were scheduled for a level II Ultrasound in Spokane for thier first openeing.
Thinking about the worst but hoping for the best is what our weekend entailed. I tried doing research on the internet, but did not come up with any answers that made any sense. I finally quit worrying about it and waited patiently to see the specialist.
On October 13, we had an appointment at Deconess Medical Center. We were hoping for some good news. Maybe that our last ultrasound just couldn't get a clear picture or something. This also was not the case....We were told that our baby Bug's condition was very severe, and a few other problems were mentioned along with the multicystic kidneys. We then had a consult with the Perinatoligst. He gave us the two horrific choices, and our babies whole life was put in our hands that day. We could either terminate now, or leave it in Gods hands and see what he could do.
We choose to carry on. And that is what we did for the next 3 1/2 months.
Those 3 1/2 months were probably the hardest days that I will ever have to face in a life time. Trying to cherish and enjoy the pregnancy become difficult when you are also planning for the death and funeral for your unborn baby. I tried making as many memories as possible, trying not to forget any moment, and to cherish every last second. I found myself doing activities that made our Bug the most active. Just feeling her movements everyday made me know I was doing the right thing. She loved taking warm baths, eating pumpkin pie, and her favorite time was bed time. She would squirm for hours as soon as I laid down. Our little girl loved her sugar, and loved making me miserable! One thing that was nice about my pregnancy is that I didn't get the huge pregnant belly that everyone recognizes. I was pretty small so not many outsiders recognized and confronted me about it. I loved sharing to those who asked though. I would tell them how I was carrying and Angel and how wonderful it was. I wish that every women would enjoy and cherish pregnancy as much as I did those last 3 1/2 months. It is true that before our diagnosis I took it for granted, just as many other Women do. Being pregnant is the most amazing thing that anyone can go through in life, and carrying an Angel was definatly the highlight of my life.
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this? People say that I am brave but I’m not
Truth is I’m barely hanging on
But there’s a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this
So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who’s chosen me
To carry you
Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says…
I’ve shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?
I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One Who’s chosen Me
To carry you"
-Selah